National Heroes' Day

Today is the Philippine National Heroes Day. I just want to take this opportunity to thank all the heroes in my life, my parents, my friends, my teachers, my mentors, those who in their own little way have shaped me and have changed my life for the best. Thank you very much for being the best heroes a young man can have in his life.



-So Proud,
Jay

The Word 'Love'

The word 'LOVE'. Wow. This four letter word is something I dish out in daily conversation everyday and so do many others I know. But, at times in which the word 'LOVE' is used in conjunction with me, or my name...I freak out! My hairs stand on end, and my entire body freezes. I mean don't get me wrong, it's an ego booster for me when people say, I love your smile, I love your clothes, I love your personality and whatever else about me that's so loveable. lol. But when I hear the words "I think I'm falling in love with you", or worst "I love you"...it's a different story.

Two weeks ago, this girl I've known for a few months admitted that yes, she has fallen for me. What happened after that? Well, we no longer speak as we did before then, and we no longer hang out as much. And just these past few days, a guy told me that he's fallen in love with me as well. If they had said I like you or I have a crush on you, I would have totally been fine with it. But once the word love is exposed, I just can't handle it, can't process it...nuh uh. Maybe it's my fault. I've been told that I'm a big flirt. I reason that I'm just a super friendly person, and yes I like the attention that people give me. A friend of mine told me that I tend to lead people to believe that I like them. Well I do. I like them. I don't love them. Plus love? I'm too young to love? Aren't I? I mean I'm 20 years old, can I truly say at my age that I capable of that kind of love? I don't think so.

Now, why do I get this sort of reaction about that word. Some say because I'm afraid of commitment. That may actually be true. I say it's because all I want and need right now is fun, and commitment is just something that won't let me do all the things I really want to do. Another friend of mine said because I was fickle. Another noted that I had a flavor of the month. I move on too quickly. Can you believe that...flavor of the month??? I was furious the entire day because of that comment. Do they think I'm so fickle that I would do that to people? No..I don't have a flavor of the month, but yes I admit I'm a flirt. I may flirt to the extent that people start to like me, but I mean I don't think I'm so much of a flirt that people fall in love with me. Anyhow...there's only one person in my mind these days, and I'm sure it'll stay that way for awhile.

BTW. For the first time I was asked "Have you ever been fucked?" What? What kind of question is that....and it definitely came out of the blue, and was something definitely unexpected.



OH! I almost forgot I saw Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix this week! It was amazing as always. I love Harry Potter..both the movies and the books. I'm currently re-reading the 6th installment, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince to refresh my memory and prepare for the 7th and final book of the series...'HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS' I even got a picture with Harry at Glorietta lol. I lovvvvve it! lol. hahaha.


Bye bye for now,
Jay

Confusion galore...

Everyday, I get even more and more confused about who it is I'm supposed to be. My identity lacks any concrete foundation, nor does it have any clear paths I can choose to take. Two weeks ago, I was on the verge of accepting the fact that yes...maybe, just maybe I'm a fully pledged guy lover. lol. And as I was about to utter those words or thoughts in my head, the most gorgeous girl walked right past me. I was dumb-founded, not only was she gorgeous, but her body was astonishing. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. In stalker-ish fashion, I followed her. I really had nothing better to do...actually that's a lie. I was at the Greenbelt Starbucks with a Grande Vanilla Tazo Chai Tea Latte (it's quite a mouthful), waiting for a friend so we can go shopping. I literally followed her, not in a creepy way, I was just curious, when I saw her meet up with whom I assumed to be her boyfriend. He was ruggedly handsome with striking features, to compliment her soft, yet piercingly beautiful face. I must say the couple was quite charming together, even more so than if they were alone. Then it hit me, I would engage in, let's try to make this PC, sexual endeavours with either of them. They were both 'do-able'. I mean does this mean, I may not be a fully pledged guy lover after all. Maybe I like both...can that really be?

I mean what exactly does being bi-sexual consist of? Can I call myself this term if I have only had sex with girls, and never boys? And yet, I have thought about guys before...and still do. I mean...this blog is about the fact that a part of me is wanting to have that sort of relationship, and this is my outlet. Or am I just lusting the couple because they were exuding sex. Another question to ponder is it not. That's all I eventually come up with at the end of all my soul searching and questioning, even more questions.

Maybe...I just really want to be in a relationship? Perhaps.



Confused to the max
-Jay

The 'KILIG' factor...

The 'KILIG' factor...what is it exactly, and what does it prove or show? What exactly does it determine? I really don't know, and it has been iritating me so much these past few weeks. 'KILIG' is the filipino term for the butterflies you get in your stomach. That little smile you get whenever you feel it, and that tingling sensation you get all over your body. That is it, but what's it for??? I don't know.

You see there is this boy, yes a boy. He makes me feel 'kilig' all the time. I'm sure one or two of you have felt this before. The feeling that every second you spend with that person makes that second so much better than any other second you spend living. It's the feeling that when he smiles at you, your grin gets so wide it goes from ear to ear. Any time he speaks, you have the widest smile, when he looks at you, your knees get weak. When your eyes meet, you get so lost. He occupies your dreams, your thoughts, even ones that have nothing to do with him whatsoever. Take for example, you go to a store that has an interesting looking chair, you start to think of how weird that chair is, how weird it would be to sit in that chair and how uncomfortable it would be. Eventually you start thinking, I wonder how so and so would sit on this chair, how would he look sitting on this chair....Right??? I hate it. I hate how much I LOVE it. HEEELP.

I've tried fighting it. Try as I might, I can't help myself. I can't stop it, and at times I don't know if I really want to. Every little thing he does is so darn adorable. There is nothing he does that would decrease his 'kilig' factor. All those things that I would see as faults on other people, becomes something totally acceptable when it comes to him. The way he pronounces his "R's", the way he frowns at you, and when you frown back, smiles the widest smile. Is it love? Is it infatuation, lust, desperation? lol. What is it exactly. Tell me!



-Kilig to the max,
Jay

To the Right, To the Right...

Am I right in saying that, here in the Philippines, there is a stigma surrounding gay men? It seems as though if you are to say or be labeled as being gay, everyone thinks you want to be a girl, act like a girl, dress like a girl, and have their sex organs. NOT ME. I love my penis and I'm not trading it with anything else in the world.
Honestly though, gay men portrayed in film and television are always gay guys who are dressed up as women, who speak as though flowers and purses are falling out of their mouths, and so on and so forth. The thing is, it's not the case. Many men out there who are gay do not want to be women. They like the fact that they are guys, they just happen to like other guys.

I'm personally not saying it's wrong to be effiminate, but I think it's wrong that others generalize people in that one area. I have many friends back in Canada, who I know are gay, but they don't act like women, nor do they want to be women. They are top athletes, businessmen, gym junkies, do karate or martial arts and you see them doing everything that most straight men like to do, except for having sex with women. I know people like that here as well. So why must there be this stigma that all gay guys want to wear purses, skirts and lipstick and prance around in a field of flowers, holding their boyfriends hands all day? Those who want to be cross-dressers, those who want to be transgendered, you know...go ahead. I'm not stopping you or saying that what you want to do is wrong. The only thing for me is that I'm not like that, at all. Yes, I like boys(isn't it bovious?) but I don't want others to disregard me, judge me, and think that I can't do manly things, play sports, carry heavy load, and other stuff like that. Because I can. And I admit, it's not our faults that there are so many out there who still think that only real men can do those kind of things. Those barbaric, primeval minds are really nothing to worry myself about. I'm fairly sure I will seldom work or associate with those types, but it happens. And when it does, I don't want to be classified as such.

It's the one thing that is preventing me from YELLING to the world that I like guys. Actually I like that guy, the one over there, with the beautiful lips, the chubby cheeks, and oh so adorable eyes. That one! I can't proclaim to people how I really feel because I'm afraid it will affect me at work, at home, with my friends, etc. I never ever want to be introduced as, "Oh this is my gay friend, Jay." No. Do that to me once and you will most likely never get a reply from any msgs you send me on my phone! I wouldn't introduce you as, "Hi, this is my friend, he likes girls." Why? It's not the biggest part of me, it's just a part of me. It doesn't define me as a person. The little things that make up my personality...those are what define me as a person.

So...I'm letting out this big sigh as I end this post...."PHEEEEEW!" I finally got that out of my system. And imagine, I have no outlet of this here in the Philippines. I don't know anyone who is like me, as of yet. I don't know any straight-acting gay guys. If you are, and you want to talk, and you're willing to let me lash out all my frustrations at you..lol..then give me a shout. I need these guys so I can finally talk what I want to talk about.

Here are a few more pictures to soothe your mood.


This is Alex from Stormbreaker.


Bruno Schuind




Anyhow, that's all for now.

Twisted and Complicated,
Jay

NOOOOOOOOOOO

Nooooooooooooo! The guy I would watch on RPN's Kol TV is away today! Why? I have no clue. Darn, darn, darn. My day just got all gloomy. lol.

Being Single

Being single, being free, being able to do and say what you want...I love that feeling. And yet, I feel as though being single has become like a virus which has taken over me. Why? Why do I feel as though I have a case of "bachelorism"? What exactly is "bachelorism". It's what happens to you, if you've been single for a long period of time. There are signs, these past few days, past few weeks, that have been clawing at me, telling me I need to get some action! I need action of any kind. I really do. lol.

Sign #1

Everyone, as in everyone, has been looking like a potential mate. Even the guy from the kanto, who I see everyday seems alluring to me. lol.


Sign #2

The fact that the last time I was sharing a bed with someone was with two of my friends when we went to Tagaytay for some vacation time.

Sign #3

I watch a channel and a T.V. show, not because I find it interesting in any way but because the host is soo damn good-looking. It's that show, Kol TV, on RPN. Yes, yes, it's that show where he asks people to text in and play for money and stuff. I don't actually play, nor can I guess most of the words he's asking me to. BUT his face just won't let me change the channel. :) I'm trying to find a picture of him. Next time I'll definitely put one up.

Sign #4

Physical contact has been a god-send. For example the other day, I was on an FX, and the leg and hand of the guy beside me was rubbing with mine and it got me EXCITED. That's how sad it is.

AAHHH! lol. I need me a boy. Any boy. I just need one right here, right now. I sound so desperate and horny lol. But, the sad thing is there is more than just a hint of truth in that statement. I used to adore the single life. I could hang out with any group of friends, go out or stay in whenever I felt like it, and flirt with anyone I could. Now, it seems as though all the flirting is going nowhere, I go out and nothing happens. What is happening to me? Someone get me out of this rut.

Anyway, if anyone would like to APPLY...please do! just e-mail me or leave a comment. hehe. wow. I am desperate. And yes, I admit I am now desperate. I just need a date, just one to at least prove to myself I'm ok, and that I can beat this virus called "bachelorism".

Here's a little video for you guys. I just wished this guy, whose real name is Chester Nolledo by the way, was the guy from my kanto. Too bad,he's not. But if he was, you can be certain he would not be alone in that video. HAHAHA.