Everyday, I get even more and more confused about who it is I'm supposed to be. My identity lacks any concrete foundation, nor does it have any clear paths I can choose to take. Two weeks ago, I was on the verge of accepting the fact that yes...maybe, just maybe I'm a fully pledged guy lover. lol. And as I was about to utter those words or thoughts in my head, the most gorgeous girl walked right past me. I was dumb-founded, not only was she gorgeous, but her body was astonishing. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. In stalker-ish fashion, I followed her. I really had nothing better to do...actually that's a lie. I was at the Greenbelt Starbucks with a Grande Vanilla Tazo Chai Tea Latte (it's quite a mouthful), waiting for a friend so we can go shopping. I literally followed her, not in a creepy way, I was just curious, when I saw her meet up with whom I assumed to be her boyfriend. He was ruggedly handsome with striking features, to compliment her soft, yet piercingly beautiful face. I must say the couple was quite charming together, even more so than if they were alone. Then it hit me, I would engage in, let's try to make this PC, sexual endeavours with either of them. They were both 'do-able'. I mean does this mean, I may not be a fully pledged guy lover after all. Maybe I like both...can that really be?
I mean what exactly does being bi-sexual consist of? Can I call myself this term if I have only had sex with girls, and never boys? And yet, I have thought about guys before...and still do. I mean...this blog is about the fact that a part of me is wanting to have that sort of relationship, and this is my outlet. Or am I just lusting the couple because they were exuding sex. Another question to ponder is it not. That's all I eventually come up with at the end of all my soul searching and questioning, even more questions. Maybe...I just really want to be in a relationship? Perhaps.
Confused to the max
-Jay
2 comments:
Hi Jay, I would first want to thank you for visiting my blog, and for the kind words = ) I think it's great that you do some introspection to really get to know who you are.. At some point, we all are in a confused state. I probably realized I was gay back in my teens, but only learned to accept that part of me fairly recently. Trust me, when you get to that part, you can't imagine how freeing it is. I no longer care if people do mean things or disrespect me in regard to my sexuality. The bottomline is that I'm really OK with it and at the end of the day it is me who decides whether I feel good or bad about it. I don't know much about bisexuality, but I will wish you the best of luck in your journey to discovering who you really are ; ) Carpe diem, my friend!
Thad
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