The Word 'Love'

The word 'LOVE'. Wow. This four letter word is something I dish out in daily conversation everyday and so do many others I know. But, at times in which the word 'LOVE' is used in conjunction with me, or my name...I freak out! My hairs stand on end, and my entire body freezes. I mean don't get me wrong, it's an ego booster for me when people say, I love your smile, I love your clothes, I love your personality and whatever else about me that's so loveable. lol. But when I hear the words "I think I'm falling in love with you", or worst "I love you"...it's a different story.

Two weeks ago, this girl I've known for a few months admitted that yes, she has fallen for me. What happened after that? Well, we no longer speak as we did before then, and we no longer hang out as much. And just these past few days, a guy told me that he's fallen in love with me as well. If they had said I like you or I have a crush on you, I would have totally been fine with it. But once the word love is exposed, I just can't handle it, can't process it...nuh uh. Maybe it's my fault. I've been told that I'm a big flirt. I reason that I'm just a super friendly person, and yes I like the attention that people give me. A friend of mine told me that I tend to lead people to believe that I like them. Well I do. I like them. I don't love them. Plus love? I'm too young to love? Aren't I? I mean I'm 20 years old, can I truly say at my age that I capable of that kind of love? I don't think so.

Now, why do I get this sort of reaction about that word. Some say because I'm afraid of commitment. That may actually be true. I say it's because all I want and need right now is fun, and commitment is just something that won't let me do all the things I really want to do. Another friend of mine said because I was fickle. Another noted that I had a flavor of the month. I move on too quickly. Can you believe that...flavor of the month??? I was furious the entire day because of that comment. Do they think I'm so fickle that I would do that to people? No..I don't have a flavor of the month, but yes I admit I'm a flirt. I may flirt to the extent that people start to like me, but I mean I don't think I'm so much of a flirt that people fall in love with me. Anyhow...there's only one person in my mind these days, and I'm sure it'll stay that way for awhile.

BTW. For the first time I was asked "Have you ever been fucked?" What? What kind of question is that....and it definitely came out of the blue, and was something definitely unexpected.



OH! I almost forgot I saw Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix this week! It was amazing as always. I love Harry Potter..both the movies and the books. I'm currently re-reading the 6th installment, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince to refresh my memory and prepare for the 7th and final book of the series...'HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS' I even got a picture with Harry at Glorietta lol. I lovvvvve it! lol. hahaha.


Bye bye for now,
Jay

Confusion galore...

Everyday, I get even more and more confused about who it is I'm supposed to be. My identity lacks any concrete foundation, nor does it have any clear paths I can choose to take. Two weeks ago, I was on the verge of accepting the fact that yes...maybe, just maybe I'm a fully pledged guy lover. lol. And as I was about to utter those words or thoughts in my head, the most gorgeous girl walked right past me. I was dumb-founded, not only was she gorgeous, but her body was astonishing. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. In stalker-ish fashion, I followed her. I really had nothing better to do...actually that's a lie. I was at the Greenbelt Starbucks with a Grande Vanilla Tazo Chai Tea Latte (it's quite a mouthful), waiting for a friend so we can go shopping. I literally followed her, not in a creepy way, I was just curious, when I saw her meet up with whom I assumed to be her boyfriend. He was ruggedly handsome with striking features, to compliment her soft, yet piercingly beautiful face. I must say the couple was quite charming together, even more so than if they were alone. Then it hit me, I would engage in, let's try to make this PC, sexual endeavours with either of them. They were both 'do-able'. I mean does this mean, I may not be a fully pledged guy lover after all. Maybe I like both...can that really be?

I mean what exactly does being bi-sexual consist of? Can I call myself this term if I have only had sex with girls, and never boys? And yet, I have thought about guys before...and still do. I mean...this blog is about the fact that a part of me is wanting to have that sort of relationship, and this is my outlet. Or am I just lusting the couple because they were exuding sex. Another question to ponder is it not. That's all I eventually come up with at the end of all my soul searching and questioning, even more questions.

Maybe...I just really want to be in a relationship? Perhaps.



Confused to the max
-Jay